Thursday, June 12, 2008


I haven't made a post in a long time for several reasons..

One being the sinusitis I've had for over a month. I've been on three antibiotics (finishing up the last one tomorrow *crosses fingers*), and dealing with all around yuckiness.

Another being my Internet connection has been so flaky, I never know when it's going to work for me and when it isn't.

And the big one being that I have been struggling internally for some time now with the family turmoil. You know the saying, "if you can't say something nice..."? Well, I had absolutely nothing nice to say, and still don't really. Mostly...that I'm disappointed.

I tried reaching out one last time by sending a birthday card. I wasn't hateful or mean in any way. As a matter of fact, everyone was surprised that I was as calm as I was. I just said that I was yet again giving another example of how much the family cares...but I ended up being the bad guy again because I was so uncaring and hurtful. How do I know that? Because I heard it through the grape vine...not even the decency to tell me straight from the horse's mouth. So I have been able to mostly move past that, because I've tried, more than once to fix it. I was upset, for my own reasons (no one else's), and after that final reach out I've decided no more...Burn me once, shame on you...burn me twice, shame on me...I'll be damned if it happens again.

The part that does upset me the loss of what I thought was a best friend..We used to hang out, do stuff together, see things together, confide in each other...but now, it's only guilt trips, accusations, anger, resentment, avoidance, unhappiness and depression. I really miss the person she used to be, not who she is now. I tried talking to her, but all I got was headbutting. We both feel very strongly about where we stand, and we just hit a stalemate.

I had a dream about her...and it wasn't yelling and screaming from either party. I can handle dreams like that, because I've had several like that and they don't really affect me; however, this dream did affect me. It was what my subconscious desperately screams for, and it just made me cry because I know it just won't happen.. should get used to it, but you never do.


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